Saturday, April 28, 2007


I wish I could say that the reason I havent posted since Tuesday was because we had 'the call' but unfortunatly is isnt that at all. The hospital has rung, but that was for booking another LVAD training session for new carers over the summer holidays. A part of me is internally screaming 'stop talking about how we will be in this situation still over the summer, its not going to happen.' Its scary having our holiday cover booked months in advance, having to meet a whole new set of carers. I spoke to B, our youngest carer, the other day about how long did she think this placement would've lasted when she took it on,
'Not this long' she said,
'neither did I' said I.

Our lives seem to be taken over by Peter and his LVAD, and this wait for the phone to ring. Each day I wake up realising the phone didnt ring during the night, and that another day has begun. Each time the phone rings I pray its the call, and it never is. Each night I stay up later, willing for the phone to ring. I go through what to do over and over in my head each day, how best to not disrupt the children, who to call on to babysit, how we will get to the hospital, saying goodbye as he goes down for the op. Over and over it goes. Each day is the same.
I get up with the children at 7am, get them ready for school, get a shower, wake Peter up for medication, let the carers in, take the children to school, come home, do housework, talk to peter, on mondays and thurssday wait for blood nurse, take perscriptions to the doctors, pick up perscriptions from the chemist, on wednesday spend the day out as day off, pick up kids from school, cook dinner, serve dinner, gets kids off to bed, watch a film, do more housework, play on pc, go to bed and pray.

Peter cant do anything at the moment due to the huge amounts of pain he is in, he can just about sit in the chair I bought for him, and lie in bed comfortably.


Tim said...

I'm so sorry you've been feeling down, Sarah. It must be so maddening to just have to wait and not be able to do anything more, and for so long... I know this is going to sound trite, but the call you've been waiting for HAS to come sooner or later. Don't lose hope - there has to be some comfort in the fact that Peter is stable enough not to qualify for the urgent list. If it's meant that you've had to wait longer, at the least, it shows you that the doctors have faith in Peter's ability to wait and endure. I can't imagine how hellish it must be for the two of you to have had to live with this for so long, but if there is a bright side to the length of your wait, it's that you've been able to wait this long at all. You're remarkably strong people, Sarah - the both of you - and whatever it takes or however long you have to wait, I believe you'll make it through.

I'm sorry this comment's so disjointed and that I can't write more - I've got an essay due in a couple of hours. I really, really hope you're feeling better now, and Peter as well. I'll write more when I'm finished with everything.

Jessica said...

*sigh* So sorry that there isn't good news yet. I truly feel that something good must happen to you soon, Sarah, it just *must*! You and Peter have come such a long way....and things can only get better from here. Just don't lose hope. I know how exhausting life must be for Peter, haven been through this process with Dan. Heart failure just bites in the cruellest ways. At least Peter is surrounded by the love of you and his girls. I'm sure that you are the reason why he's fighting so hard to stay alive. Just hang on a little longer, sweetie! Just a little longer! You are always in my prayers.